I'm going to start a new job as a dental assistant in Sedona M-Th. I have to be there at 730, so Landon will stay home w/ Matt once I leave until he goes to work (10ish) and then will go to Grammy's house (Matt's wonderful mother) until I can pick him up sometime around 1. I realize this is such an ideal situation (having him be w/ family and me only being away from him half days 4 days a week) but I'm really struggling. I never thought I'd be a stay at home mom. I figured I'd go back to work full time in August teaching (we all know that full time teaching = WAY more than full time)...but there is no way! I cannot imagine leaving this sweet boy for a whole day :( Esp not 5 days a week! So if you read this and think of it, PLEASE pray for me. Pray that I won't be miserable and that I will be ok. We really need me to work a bit or I wouldn't...so please pray that the money is enough and that I won't be a wreck. I know Landon will be fine and will enjoy his time with Daddy and Grammy, but I will miss him terribly. I've had a few break downs and have bawled a few times, but I know that if this truly is God's will it will all work out perfectly.
I've been trying to soak up my last few days as a stay at home mommy. Here are some of the things I will miss (some of these are things that I can do once I get home and on our long weekends together...but I will miss them being an all the time deal)
*Waiting for Landon to be our alarm clock each morning
*Family cuddles in bed b/c the mornings are not a rushed time for us
*Nursing Landon each time he's hungry (I'll be pumping at work)
*Cuddle time/naps on the couch
*Our daily morning walks
*Morning play time (this is always his happiest and sweetest time)
*Play group on Wed (we were only able to go twice..but now we can't go ever :( )
* Having the freedom to do whatever we feel like doing each day
* Staying up late to spend time with my wonderful husband once Landon is asleep (I'll prob have to be up no later than 6 each day)
*Feeling like a good/accomplished mom/wife for having a clean house, good food prepared (for us and for Landon), being able to nurse and spend time with Landon, have time for Matt after everything is done, etc.
*That feeling of anticipation and excitement for Matt to come home at 5 each day after being home alone
* Most of all, I will miss the time with my little boy. I will miss being the one that he smiles at all day. I'll miss KNOWING that I will be the first one to experience things and that I won't miss a thing because I'm the one that's with him all the time. I will miss all the smiles,cuddles,and coos each morning. I will miss the bond of knowing that I'm the one that he depends on and spends all his time with. I will miss knowing that he undeniably knows that I am his mom b/c I am the one that feeds him, changes him, and does everything with him all day/every day. I will feel guilty and will want to die every time I miss anything, but I will at least know that I am doing what's best for our family.
Please pray for me. How can I leave this??
Hey Briana! I know we don't really know each other, but I couldn't help but comment on your blog. Since Maddy was 7 weeks old, I have been working 5 days a week, 20 hours a week as an insurance agent. I feel the same as you- if I could stay home, I would most definitely do it, but we just can't afford it. When Maddy was born, I was literally the only person I knew who wasn't going to be a stay at home mom that was having a baby, and I felt so terrible about it.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, over the last year, I think God has helped heal my heart a little bit and has given me the strength to do what I must. I still have really hard days sometimes, and my job isn't exactly the most "fulfilling" thing ever, but if it weren't for me doing this job, it would mean really bad things for our family financially. So I try to stay thankful that our daughter is only watched by family, and that I am able to provide stability for her.
I don't know if that helps at all, just know you aren't alone in your situation! And it's okay to be sad. I have to just give myself permission to be angry or sad or whatever I need to feel sometimes about working, but God always softens me up and gets me back to where I need to be. I'll be praying for you and this transition, and praying that maybe somehow things will change and you'll get to be at home all the time again. You can do it!!! :)
Oh bless your heart girl. I will be praying for you guys. I don't know what it's like but I imagine it must be hard.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling a little anxious too about having to go back to work :( I'll be praying for you, you be praying for me! Having to be gone from her 12 hours a day is going to kill me. I never thoughtI would want to be a stay at home mom either, but I am dying to be one now! We are both lucky that we have family to take care of our kiddos, and if there is a day that you need help just holler at me, and if I am off, I will totally watch him for ya! Take care Bri, and I hope that you like your new job!
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