emotions

There have been two times in my life where I remember my emotions taking me by surprise and doing something completely and totally uncharacteristic.

The first time was a few years back over the summer. I had a surburban full of teenagers and we were on our way to the pool after a day of grueling work. As we were driving along the kids in the backseat said it felt like our tires ran something over in the back. They looked back and an itty bitty puppy had run under the car and been run over by the back tires without us even seeing her. We got out and talked with the owners (who screamed at me, but hello! I didn't see her, was driving the speed limit, and what was she doing out of the house?!) and then went on to the pool. I was devastated (most of you that know me know that I'm animal obsessed). But I held it together. I had like 8 kids in the car and had to drive what was I gunna do ya know? But the moment we got to the pool and the kids ran inside I totally lost it. I started bawling and sobbing and I could not stop. I got out and saw Brad (he and his wife are some of our dearest friends) and totally threw myself on him and started sobbing. Haha. Completely uncharacteristic as he's someone else's husband and all. haha. But I was a wreck and needed another adult to console me. Thankfully my husband was right there in a few seconds to come deal with the complete mess that I was! :)

The second time was yesterday. I'm still not completely understanding the whole thing yet. But we went to meet our new midwife yesterday. I've known since before I got pregnant that this was the plan. We would see Stephanie through the pregnancy and once we were full-term we would switch to her friend in Phx that would take fantastic care of us and help us get our VBAC there. Stephanie would come if she could and support us through, but we would be transferring care to Lisa. So yesterday we went to go meet Lisa. While sitting in the waiting room I kept telling Matt how nervous I was. I felt like a total wreck and could not figure out why. He finally just asked, "Babe, what exactly is it that you are upset about?". I lost it then. I started crying and told him that I just wanted Stephanie. She's been through so much with us and I just want her. I trust her. She has confidence in me. She knows I can do this. She knows the type of birth I'm really wanting. She knows it all and wants to help me achieve it! So after I have my little episode I pull it together and we see the nurse for a bit. It's over, I think. Oh thank God now I can try to act normal. Lisa walks in the room and asks how we are and I lose it all over again! What on earth?! Get it together woman! So now Lisa is probably thinking, "Great. Thanks Steph for sending me a completely and totally unstable patient who doesn't want to be with us." Ugh. I wanted to die!!! I could not stop crying! So the first 20 minutes of our whole appointment was like a counseling session where she is trying to comfort me and help me understand the reality of the situation. Haha. I totally understood and knew what was going on in my head. But I absolutely could not get my heart and my emotions to follow! We finished the appointment with all the regular stuff and made our follow-up appointment to see her in 2 weeks. For the rest of the day I kept shaking my head. I could not believe I was such a wreck. I still don't know why I got so emotional or why I'm so nervous, but I suddenly went from being excited and anxious for Delaney's birth to simply being terrified. I hope she gives me a few days to gather my emotions and thoughts and work through this before her arrival :)

If you actually made it through this you should get a gold-flipping star! And I have a request. Please pray for our delivery and for me to man up and get over this! Lisa was wonderful and I know that she is an excellent midwife. I could tell after just a few minutes of her caring and tender talk with us that she is fantastic at what she does. But I just can't help feeling like I'm delivering with a place that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm nervous that if Stephanie cannot make it down with us that I will not be able to get my head in the game. Please pray that this will not be true and that the support from my husband and Lisa and the staff at the hospital will be plenty to help me get my vbac and the birth that we've been hoping for :)