A little bit of a breakdown

I'm just gunna be real here. 

I'm having a little bit of a breakdown. 

Normally I try to not complain and whine about everything. In fact, I just try not to talk about it in general. Anytime anyone asks I give the most positive and upbeat answer I can find in my heart. But it's not really how I feel. It's not really what we are going through. 

Having a sick baby is tough. Way more difficult than I could've ever imagined. Yes, I'm thankful she doesn't need a heart transplant or multiple surgeries throughout life and all that. But it's still hard. It's hard to have her cry inconsolably when she's in pain and have no idea what to do for her. It's hard that when she cries I don't ever know why. It's hard to be feeding around the clock and pump a ton and feel like my supply is good, but not have her gain for those two weeks b/c of her stomach issues. It's hard to worry about our dr appt tomorrow and whether or not she's gained. It's hard to be on this stupid diet and not eat dairy or soy or citrus fruit or caffeine and verrrrry little gluten. It's just hard right now. It's hard to sleep through the night a few nights and then be up all night long for a night or two. My body is incredibly confused. I think I'd almost chose to never sleep like in the beginning. It was easier for my body to function like that. 

It's hard to take care of a two year old that's sick right now and is incredibly needy and sad and just have no energy. They both have cried off and on all morning, and it's HARD. I know, I'm complaining a ton right here. But I just have to get this off my chest. I have to get this off my chest and finally be humble about this whole thing. This is difficult, and we do need prayers. We need prayer for healing for Laney's stomach and her esophagus. We need prayers for strength and patience and peace and sleep. We need prayers that we all survive this thing! I know that God will not give us more than we can handle, so this is something we will pull through. But going through it right now feels like one of the hardest things I've ever done. Maybe it's just b/c we haven't come out the other side of it yet. But it is feeling rough right now! 

So basically that's all. I got some stuff of my chest and asked for some prayer and I'm going to stop pretending now. Stop pretending that it's easy and I've got it all under control and that it is just like having Landon when he was a baby. Because it's not. And I feel like I'm lying! 

All of this said, Laney is the best and sweetest baby EVER! She is so easy when she is healthy and none of this is her fault. I'm so so thankful for her and we are completely and utterly in love with her. We wouldn't change having her for the world and we are thankful that she's as healthy as she is. She and Landon just complete our hearts and lives and we are forever grateful for every single day we get with them.