Reflection

We took our Youth Group up to SYC this weekend at Lost Canyon and it was awesome. I had to leave a day/night early b/c I was having weird contractions and feeling nauseous..but anyway it was great. The speaker was incredibly convicting for many of us.

I feel like I've been so distracted lately by the new prospect of being a mom and this overwhelming feeling of needing to be organized/prepared in order to do that job well, that I feel I have allowed more important things to fall to the wayside. Namely, my job as a Christian to be serving and loving God above all else.

When I went to Africa some 3 or 4 years ago I went because of a strong calling and desire that God had great things for me to accomplish for Him if I would let him. I feel that I've failed him in this area many many times and successfully allowed Him to use me so few of the times that I could have. I've learned so much through the time I was submissive (i.e. My passion for worship and ability to lead musically, how awesome relationships with our Youth kids can be, etc). I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness this weekend thinking of all that I've missed out on in life and how to make it up.

We watched a movie called "Hearing Everett" and it brought me to tears several times seeing the difficulties that this family went through to serve God. They never wavered and didn't even think to give up. I so badly want God to cultivate this kind of trust and passion within Matt and I. We have always talked about doing long-term mission work, but I guess now that we are starting a family and thinking ahead in the future more often lately it has been heavy on my heart.

I feel that there are so many opportunities to be a light in the dark place that I work in, but because of legal restrictions there are so few things I'm ever actually able to say to my kids. Even more discouraging is the fact that I am so often weighed down by the expectations and pressures of my job that I forget that I am in the middle of a huge mission field.

I am trying to constantly remember when I first read the verse in Isaiah and heard the Mercy Me song that says 'Here I am Lord. Send me'...what a terrifying and freeing thing to not just say or sing, but to truly deeply believe and offer. I was at this point when I was 19 and don't know how I have strayed from it...but I want it back!

This is so long and I'm sure no one will actually read this all, but if you do, help to keep me accountable. I need to be pursuing passion and overcoming mediocrity in my relationship with Christ every single day. Difficult or not. I hope that in this pursuit I will find where God is leading us and what mission field I need to focus on (whether that is our youth group, our schools, or a country far away).

Our speaker this weekend (Adriene Dupri) had kids stand up in the middle of the service individually and say these words:
"I want to be passionate about Christ and serve Him"...or at least something like that. I want this to be my motto every morning from now on. Maybe if we all started out this way we could slowly change our society....