Josiah's pregnancy and birth

Where do I even begin?  Words can only go so far......

I was SO busy with the other 3 and the close spacing I have been bad about writing. But it's SO healing for me. I need to do it.

We were not trying for another baby. But somehow, once the shock wore off, we were elated. The thought of our four close together, completing our family (at least biologically) and being blessed yet again all felt right. The whole pregnancy I was calm. Which is unusual for me ;)

I took a thousand tests because I was SO shocked. I could't believe it. But thrilled every time the test turned positive. I just "knew" I was pregnant just like with all our others. It was 5-7 days before I got a positive and I knew that whole time. Matt thought I was a little nuts. But I was right ; )

This pregnancy started out very much like the other ones. I had lots of cramping, some implantation bleeding at the beginning, and was very nauseous. Around 10 weeks the nausea really calmed down. I still had bouts of it, but it was much less frequent and intense. There was a lot less throwing up this pregnancy than my last two. The things I loved this pregnancy - mexican! I wanted it all the time! I also loved brownies and sonic. While I was sick I loved sonic ice and chewed on it all day long. I was very tired this pregnancy, but overall felt the best I had ever felt while being pregnant. It was most similar to my pregnancy with Landon!

We went in for our ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything was perfect. Heart beat, good blood flow, measuring perfectly on with the dates I had thought. I was put at ease and we announced the news to the world (which I do NOT regret a bit). We felt the love and great joy from everyone. At 12 weeks we had another appointment. Heard his perfect little heartbeat right away with the doppler and I knew after that our miscarriage rates dropped significantly. I was even more at ease. When we hit 14 weeks I knew we were down to about 1% and further relaxed. I'm totally the type to not get too attached till we hit these points. I guess I'm just a realist? But once we hit 14 weeks I begin wanting to talk names and guess gender and figure baby is here to stay. At 15 weeks we went to Phx for a weekend of events and decided to squeeze in an elective gender ultrasound while we were there. We went and took the kids. My sister and nephew joined us too. The baby had a great heartbeat (which Landon repeatedly asked to hear) and was moving and looked just perfect. Looked exactly like our other kids. His profile looked especially just like our boys' ultrasound pictures. She couldn't determine gender, but thought she had seen boy parts at one point. I was bummed we couldn't tell! I honestly wanted a girl SO badly too (I'll tell that part of the story in a bit). But I knew we were having another US at 16/17 weeks with Steph and she had told us we could peek then.

A few days after that ultrasound in Phoenix, I had felt baby move a few times and LOVED every bit of it. Any chance I got I'd lay down and attempt to feel him. Later still, I couldn't sleep at night suddenly. I assumed hormones, but maybe my body just knew. I was very uncomfortable and almost feeling like jabs while I was sleeping. But never had any cramping or bleeding or ANYTHING that made me suspicious. Monday, the 6th I believe? We went in for our ultrasound with Steph. I ate a donut and even drank some soda hoping baby would be a bit more active this ultrasound and we could determine gender. I thought it odd I hadn't felt baby after I ate that, but we were rushing around so I assumed it was just that I was too busy. I was SO anxious to get the bigs off to preschool and get there to see our little one! I got there and got weighed and was up 6 lbs and made some dumb comment about it. Got my blood pressure taken and it was a teeny bit high which is out- of- the- question odd for me. Most times mine its strangely low. Maybe my body already knew? We sat in the room and I told Matt that we weren't in the right room to get an ultrasound! Steph came in and said hello and moved us to the right room :) She took out the doppler and couldn't find the heartbeat but I wasn't concerned. It had happened many many times with Lucas and he was just fine every time. She put baby up on the screen and almost immediately, I knew. Baby wasn't moving and looked very much asleep. I asked her half jokingly if it was alive. She hesitated and then said, ummm I don't think so. She tried for a bit and we knew, baby was gone. I asked for measurements while sobbing on the table. It was clear he had been gone for a few days at least. We still couldn't really tell gender. She was so sweet. Hugging and crying with us. I knew she'd be there for me through it all. She made us an appointment to come back at 12:30 for a confirmation ultrasound with the tech.

We came home and our sweet friends took the kids after preschool. We cried and walked and I took a bath. Then we went back to her office. I begged God in that meantime to bring our baby back to life. I knew He could if it was His will. I believed and had faith that it was completely, not even close to being out of the question, but knew that if it was not His will it would not be. At 12:30 Tom confirmed baby was gone. We decided we wanted to induce asap so we could see/hold baby before it deteriorated much more. Steph assured us we had options and could wait, but I needed to meet him as soon as I could.

We packed up, had Missy come stay with the kids until my mom could get here and headed to the hospital. After researching a bit and talking with our L&D friend Beth, I presumed the whole thing would take about 12 hours. I was hoping for less since this would be my third birth (Landon was a C). BOY was I wrong! We didn't bring toothbrushes or extra clothes. Nothing. Assumed baby would be born Monday night or Tuesday early morning.

Steph was with us seriously EVERY step. She was with us for both ultrasounds, met us at the hospital and got us settled. Stayed all night Monday and Tuesday caring for us, crying with us, answering my 10 billion questions. She was....amazing. God 100% used her during that time. She was just what we needed.

We walked the halls of the hospital and just bawled. Couldn't believe what we were about to do. Eileen (the social worker) met with us and cried with us and was SO good to us. The nursing staff hugged us and greeted us and cared so wonderfully for us. Our door had an angel posted on it.... and inside it had THE most beautiful view of the red rocks and the valley. I believe God gave us that just for Matt. We started the induction at 5pm Monday. Every shift change we figured it would be soon. This would be the time. Julie came on and I just knew it would be with her. I was wrong. But God's timing was all so perfect. She was there during the hardest stretch for me both emotionally and physically. She prayed and cried with us. She was there during that time for a reason.

During our VERY long and drawn out induction we prayed, we slept, we sobbed, we listened to amazing worship music. We were visited by our pastor twice and his wife Gina. The words they had for us were some of the most important I heard. During this time, I questioned God. A LOT. I was mad at Him even for a stretch. I did NOT feel loved for a while, let alone cared for by Him. Jim shared with us that our sweet friend's the Naimo's who just lost their 6 year old, had said something in an email that applied to us. They had decided that no matter what happened/went wrong with his care in the hospital that GOD had numbered his days. This was his plan and nothing here on Earth could change that. I have been holding on to that statement. I know it's truth. It's helped ease the guilt of the possibilities of me causing this somehow. It's helped me accept this. He also shared that maybe this was to help tie my heart just a bit closer to heaven. MAN has it ever. I read the parable of the lost sheep today. I have never identified with that story until today. In the end it says, "It is not my heavenly Father's will that even one of these little ones should perish". I am clinging to that. My friend told me her little girl told her not to be sad for us about losing baby Josiah because "Jesus loves holding the little babies". Landon asked how we could be so sad "When our baby is so happy in heaven". The wisdom of these four year olds! I know now why Jesus spoke so much about us needing to be child-like to enter his kingdom.

Every time I was checked it was just downright painful. Physically and emotionally. But I have to say, I do NOT regret any decision we made through the process. Everything was done with thought and prayer and everything played out beautifully in the end. The second round of getting checked and getting meds my water bag ruptured. That's when things got real. I really lost it there. Then several checks between with no progress. No change. Nothing. My body did NOT want to give up. It was pregnant and it was staying pregnant. At first I was angry and felt betrayed by my body. It gave me no hints baby was gone and it was not cooperating like I had hoped. Later, I was thankful. It did such a good job caring for this baby and it did not want to give him up just as badly as I didn't. It made me feel as though my body did not cause this. It had no idea.

The end was just awful emotionally. Every step of the way it became more and more real. We were exhausted even though we had been VERY blessed with quite a bit of sleep. I just was overcome with grief. I felt like my body would never give up. I begged Steph for a c-section at one point. I was just so done. She knew I needed to birth Josiah. Just like I needed my VBACs, I needed this. Plus I'm sure she thought I was nuts :) Eventually my body gave in. I had to push a LOT and it surprised me. I'm very sore. Meeting him was so hard and so precious. I'll always cherish that time we had with him, even though I know his precious soul was already with Jesus. We had many hours with him by us. Praying and crying and growing. In those hours, we waited and waited for the placenta. It just would not come. We decided a D&C was the way to go. It was SO hard to leave Josiah. So hard. I still feel like I betrayed him some how by leaving him there. But we decided having him picked up by our friends that own a mortuary after tests were run and having him cremated was what we wanted. So I left and took comfort in the fact that the anesthesia would give my heart and brain a little break and his body would be taken care of by our friends. The procedure went well and Steph told us it was the right decision. We had waited and medicated for 5 hrs and the thing would NOT budge. From the looks of the D&C it wasn't going to soon. I think my body was as traumatized as we were.

I'm so thankful I had this pregnancy. This was by FAR my most enjoyable pregnancy. I never really loved being pregnant, until Josiah. I took SO many pictures of my growing belly. I relished every movement. I really enjoyed the moments we had with him. If his allotted time on earth was just those short 16 weeks, then I'm glad I'm the one that got to carry him and spend it with him. I wouldn't want it any other way. I'd never wish a loss on anyone. I certainly hope to never experience it again. It was downright awful. But I love him. I miss him. I'm very thankful I got to know him and spend that time with him. We will never forget you sweet Josiah.

We chose the name Josiah because of the meaning. It means, the Lord saves, Jehovah heals. I believe that. I'm clinging to that promise. I had prayed in the hospital that God would inspire Matt and give our baby a name because I just couldn't. He gave us the perfect name and certainly answered my prayer.

On to the story of wanting a girl....So, boys are a lot of work. I know you mom's out there know! But honestly, the biggest reason I wanted a girl was because of this strange experience I kept having. I kept praying about this baby and for it to be healthy and not have the issues our other two did when they were born. They were in so much pain and I just hated it. Every time I prayed I saw this picture of this sweet chunky, relaxed (i.e not sick like our others) baby girl wrapped up in PINK. I assumed until closer to the end that this must just mean we were having a girl. Oddly enough, towards the end God started showing me that maybe that wasn't the answer. I started wondering if this was our answer to the adoption question. If this meant we were going to adopt a baby girl after this baby? I just wasn't sure. I'm now clinging to it as a promise from God. Maybe he won't ever bless us with another full-term baby. I'm praying He does though. My heart longs for it. But if he does not, maybe it just means he will bless us with a baby girl through adoption. I'm clinging to it as promise. Promise of healing and at least the four we've always dreamed about.

I'm so thankful to everyone. I wish I could tell everyone individually, but I just cannot. Thank you to everyone who has helped with our kids, brought us food and groceries. I already know of several sweet acts in the works. You all have been SO wonderful. God has used everyone in different ways to minister to our hearts. I apologize for the hundreds of unanswered emails, texts, messages,etc. It's been overwhelming and our grief is still overwhelming. I simply feel overcome by it sometimes. So it's been hard to do anything beyond function and cry. And sometimes write. Writing heals my heart in some odd way... similar to the way music comforts it. So anyway, thank you all. You've been amazing and we have felt incredibly loved.

My plea, please talk to us about Josiah. We love him. He was our son and we never ever want to forget him. We never want to forget his life or his time with us. We don't really want to answer tons of questions right now. But acknowledging his birth and his life is good. It is ok. We do not want him to be forgotten. Please continue to pray for our hearts. I texted Stephanie the other night to just ask her for her reassurance that things would be ok again some day. I know in my head it will, but my heart does not feel it sometimes. I know it'll take a long time before I'll be any semblance of myself again. I'll never ever be the same. But even just a version of me again will take some time. I'll never view life or hands or feet or babies or pregnancy the same. Josiah has forever changed my views on many things.

We love you our sweet and precious boy. I take great comfort in the thought that you are in heaven with your cousin, probably being cared for by Mama Julie as well as Jesus and likely being entertained by Mason. I love you more than words can express and I long to be with you and hold you and kiss you one day. Please know how much I adored you. I'm so happy you likely never knew pain. Nothing but the comfort and love of your mama straight into the arms of Jesus.